Recently, I started to live with the person I care about. It is such a nice feeling to wait for someone to come home. When the bell rings, I can't wait to press the button to let him in. And when he said "im home" it is such a nice feeling to say "welcome home".
For me, home is a person. No matter where I am, I will be home when the person I care about is in the same place for me. Well, I cannot say that I am home when I am in the lab, even though we are sitting close to each other. What I meant is that it is a comfortable place with a person I care about.
Perhaps, my background of moving from place to place create the sense that I don't really belong to a certain place. That a place does not really meant something for me. That I am not really have to return to the same city or town. Perhaps, if I were a pet, I will not be a cat but maybe I will be a dog. Because a cat is linked to a place but a dog is linked to a person.
And it is such a nice feeling to share food and stories after a tiring day.
Thursday, February 8, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Two key words: altruism and surrender
I make two posts of today because I think today I have came up with one of the important decisions in my life.
When I read publications about the belief I am learning right now, there is always one word keep popping in my mind : ALTRUISM
The altruism word is so hard to understand by heartless people. They may understand the mechanism but they will not understand the feeling of altruism.
I do not really understand the specific meaning of altruism but it is disinterested or selfless concern for the well-being of others. It is really hard to understand for some people or some people will say they understand but they never practice.
That is why I never felt like I am being understood by people, because I found the meaning of my life through altruism. I think that I feel happiness when I am needed by someone. When my work is actually make someone feel better and make someone live better, I feel happy. I feel I live not for nothing. That someone are touched by me. So, this part I understand and I want to be part of it.
The second word that I just found yesterday and today is the word: SURRENDER
Acceptance is something that is hard to do, especially when it is something that you don't really expected.I think surrender is important because it gives me way to understand. I think if I resist of the words, try to understand why, try to clarify if the words is true, I will never can feel the belief. Yet, I started to feel the belief when I feel how beautiful it is and that I want to try to even experience the beauty of it.
When I read publications about the belief I am learning right now, there is always one word keep popping in my mind : ALTRUISM
The altruism word is so hard to understand by heartless people. They may understand the mechanism but they will not understand the feeling of altruism.
I do not really understand the specific meaning of altruism but it is disinterested or selfless concern for the well-being of others. It is really hard to understand for some people or some people will say they understand but they never practice.
That is why I never felt like I am being understood by people, because I found the meaning of my life through altruism. I think that I feel happiness when I am needed by someone. When my work is actually make someone feel better and make someone live better, I feel happy. I feel I live not for nothing. That someone are touched by me. So, this part I understand and I want to be part of it.
The second word that I just found yesterday and today is the word: SURRENDER
Acceptance is something that is hard to do, especially when it is something that you don't really expected.I think surrender is important because it gives me way to understand. I think if I resist of the words, try to understand why, try to clarify if the words is true, I will never can feel the belief. Yet, I started to feel the belief when I feel how beautiful it is and that I want to try to even experience the beauty of it.
Surrender in belief
Recent;y, I have been exploring one belief. As I mentioned in previous article that I wrote, I started to learn this belief because of my favorite person. I was curious why he can be so peaceful.
I was following ceremonies of this belief and through hard times. I have a lot of questions, I need to answer. I never thought at first that I would have involved so deeply in this belief but I was curious and I kept walking through the way. I read and made preliminary conclusion but then I have more other questions but I kept searching for the answers I have to answer by myself. The more I dig, the more questions I have. My favorite person tried to help me with these questions but I think these questions need to be answered by myself. Because I think these questions are from my soul so only me can enlight myself.
As a matter of fact I was almost give up and I thought I might have walked too far. Hence, I don't know why I didn't stop. I kept going to ceremonies because I feel like I miss it. Every time I read the cards I feel the beauty of this belief. Fear has blocked me to feel the true feeling of this belief and my mind fought for the words that I couldn't accept. I was anxious, sad and felt nervous. I thought, I will never going to feel this belief.
There is also another fear that I have. I am afraid that my feeling towards my favorite person, which was the first reason why I started to learn this belief, is blocking me from being able to feel the belief. I am afraid that I lost all my feelings towards this belief if things are not going well between us. I do not want that is to happen. Another fear that I have is that I am currently have a religion and I wonder if that will block me to feel this belief. So, I have to overcome these doubts and I have to find answers within myself.
I read some publications, cards. books, anything I can find on this belief to understand more. I listened carefully to things they said in the ceremonies, what the leader said, what other believers said and what was explained by my favorite person. I carefully stored them in my head and from time to time, I tried to remember each of them. The more I learned the more I feel that this belief is beautiful, that is perhaps more people should have learned it too.
In most of times, when I feel uncomfortable, I prefer to be alone and process things based on what I see around me, what people do, what people say and I also recall my thoughts that I have stored carefully. I like quietness and peace when I do it.
Today, 7 February 2018, I finally grasped two most important aspects of this belief, at least for me. I finally decided that I want to practice this belief because I think it will be useful for me. This is really important because I do not do it anymore because of someone else but I do it for myself. I also have decided to practice this belief until I feel the true happiness and when I do, I will help others to understand it as well. At this moment I should have said that this belief is not a burden yet it is the way to eliminate your burden. That this belief is something which give you strength and excitements to follow your dreams. I would say that it is the way to upgrade yourself by equipping yourself spiritually.
The other important aspect that I decided today, referring to what my favorite person said the first time he explained to me about this belief. He said and I quote, "There are christian people who follow this belief and they said that this belief have helped them understand christianity". With this reference and all the references that I read, I think this belief will also will deepen my understanding on my own religion. Religion or belief are just labels that people made, but people should feel what can equip them in life and of course in after life. Based on these, it is really important for me to try to practice this belief in order to be a living proof of the truth of this belief.
Based on these two decisions, I surrender. I accepted all the questions and I embrace them now and will also embrace them then. I felt relief right now and ready to move on in my life. Wherever the next crossroads bring me to.
I was following ceremonies of this belief and through hard times. I have a lot of questions, I need to answer. I never thought at first that I would have involved so deeply in this belief but I was curious and I kept walking through the way. I read and made preliminary conclusion but then I have more other questions but I kept searching for the answers I have to answer by myself. The more I dig, the more questions I have. My favorite person tried to help me with these questions but I think these questions need to be answered by myself. Because I think these questions are from my soul so only me can enlight myself.
As a matter of fact I was almost give up and I thought I might have walked too far. Hence, I don't know why I didn't stop. I kept going to ceremonies because I feel like I miss it. Every time I read the cards I feel the beauty of this belief. Fear has blocked me to feel the true feeling of this belief and my mind fought for the words that I couldn't accept. I was anxious, sad and felt nervous. I thought, I will never going to feel this belief.
There is also another fear that I have. I am afraid that my feeling towards my favorite person, which was the first reason why I started to learn this belief, is blocking me from being able to feel the belief. I am afraid that I lost all my feelings towards this belief if things are not going well between us. I do not want that is to happen. Another fear that I have is that I am currently have a religion and I wonder if that will block me to feel this belief. So, I have to overcome these doubts and I have to find answers within myself.
I read some publications, cards. books, anything I can find on this belief to understand more. I listened carefully to things they said in the ceremonies, what the leader said, what other believers said and what was explained by my favorite person. I carefully stored them in my head and from time to time, I tried to remember each of them. The more I learned the more I feel that this belief is beautiful, that is perhaps more people should have learned it too.
In most of times, when I feel uncomfortable, I prefer to be alone and process things based on what I see around me, what people do, what people say and I also recall my thoughts that I have stored carefully. I like quietness and peace when I do it.
Today, 7 February 2018, I finally grasped two most important aspects of this belief, at least for me. I finally decided that I want to practice this belief because I think it will be useful for me. This is really important because I do not do it anymore because of someone else but I do it for myself. I also have decided to practice this belief until I feel the true happiness and when I do, I will help others to understand it as well. At this moment I should have said that this belief is not a burden yet it is the way to eliminate your burden. That this belief is something which give you strength and excitements to follow your dreams. I would say that it is the way to upgrade yourself by equipping yourself spiritually.
The other important aspect that I decided today, referring to what my favorite person said the first time he explained to me about this belief. He said and I quote, "There are christian people who follow this belief and they said that this belief have helped them understand christianity". With this reference and all the references that I read, I think this belief will also will deepen my understanding on my own religion. Religion or belief are just labels that people made, but people should feel what can equip them in life and of course in after life. Based on these, it is really important for me to try to practice this belief in order to be a living proof of the truth of this belief.
Based on these two decisions, I surrender. I accepted all the questions and I embrace them now and will also embrace them then. I felt relief right now and ready to move on in my life. Wherever the next crossroads bring me to.
Friday, February 2, 2018
Trust and religion
I do not trust people easily. I know that. Especially if I do not completely understand the person. I am very stubborn and the biggest challenge i my life is to fight against myself.
Today was the last ceremony in winter training and perhaps I should be happy because I completed a few sessions. But my head is full of I can not control. I have headache and I feel feverish.
Believing is also about trust. That you trust your foundation in life. That you trust you believe in something good for you. That you trust that you will be happy. But I dont understand and so it is so hard for me to trust. I have so many questions. It makes me feel dizzy. I want to understand what I chant but I dont understand. Is it so much to ask for understanding? I want to learn to understand but I need to be independent. So I know that I trust this religion because who I am not because anyone else.
Today was the last ceremony in winter training and perhaps I should be happy because I completed a few sessions. But my head is full of I can not control. I have headache and I feel feverish.
Believing is also about trust. That you trust your foundation in life. That you trust you believe in something good for you. That you trust that you will be happy. But I dont understand and so it is so hard for me to trust. I have so many questions. It makes me feel dizzy. I want to understand what I chant but I dont understand. Is it so much to ask for understanding? I want to learn to understand but I need to be independent. So I know that I trust this religion because who I am not because anyone else.
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