Life partner

I realized that nowadays more and more people are not really into tying two independent people through a ceremony called "marriage". More and more people realized that what tie people is actually love and needs and a marriage institution is merely a form of formality to allow society to push people to be always together... with or without love.

I always have an ideal imagination of how my husband would be. Or should I say my life partner would be. I think one of my imagination is that I feel safe around that person, that the person will protect me even from myself. Another imagination is that I feel that I can grow with his support and that I trust his opinion to be better than mine.

I think I found the one that fits this imagination but unfortunately I felt uncomfortable socially to be with someone that is the have the same gender with me. Hence, I know that every time I am in trouble she is always there for me. She knows exactly how to comfort me and she solved my problem with all of her efforts until now. She is the one that I can turn to when everyone else turn their back on me. She loves me to the limit that I never even know exists, until now and I believe until then.

I wonder if I should pave my life with her and if I should how do I do that. It is almost impossible.

I think deep in my heart, I always love her.

Always and forever

Tadaima Okaeri

Recently, I started to live with the person I care about. It is such a nice feeling to wait for someone to come home. When the bell rings, I can't wait to press the button to let him in. And when he said "im home" it is such a nice feeling to say "welcome home".

For me, home is a person. No matter where I am, I will be home when the person I care about is in the same place for me. Well, I cannot say that I am home when I am in the lab, even though we are sitting close to each other. What I meant is that it is a comfortable place with a person I care about.

Perhaps, my background of moving from place to place create the sense that I don't really belong to a certain place. That a place does not really meant something for me. That  I am not really have to return to the same city or town. Perhaps, if I were a pet, I will not be a cat but maybe I will be a dog. Because a cat is linked to a place but a dog is linked to a person.

And it is such a nice feeling to share food and stories after a tiring day.

Two key words: altruism and surrender

I make two posts of today because I think today I have came up with one of the important decisions in my life.

When I read publications about the belief I am learning right now, there is always one word keep popping in my mind : ALTRUISM

The altruism word is so hard to understand by heartless people. They may understand the mechanism but they will not understand the feeling of altruism.

I do not really understand the specific meaning of altruism but it is disinterested or selfless concern for the well-being of others. It is really hard to understand for some people or some people will say they understand but they never practice.

That is why I never felt like I am being understood by people, because I found the meaning of my life through altruism. I think that I feel happiness when I am needed by someone. When my work is actually make someone feel better and make someone live better, I feel happy. I feel I live not for nothing. That someone are touched by me. So, this part I understand and I want to be part of it.

The second word that I just found yesterday and today is the word: SURRENDER
Acceptance is something that is hard to do, especially when it is something that you don't really expected.I think surrender is important because it gives me way to understand. I think if I resist of the words, try to understand why, try to clarify if the words is true, I will never can feel the belief. Yet, I started to feel the belief when I feel how beautiful it is and that I want to try to even experience the beauty of it.

Surrender in belief

Recent;y, I have been exploring one belief. As I mentioned in previous article that I wrote, I started to learn this belief because of my favorite person. I was curious why he can be so peaceful.

I was following ceremonies of this belief and through hard times. I have a lot of questions, I need to answer. I never thought at first that I would have involved so deeply in this belief but I was curious and I kept walking through the way. I read and made preliminary conclusion but then I have more other questions but I kept searching for the answers I have to answer by myself. The more I dig, the more questions I have. My favorite person tried to help me with these questions but I think these questions need to be answered by myself. Because I think these questions are from my soul so only me can enlight myself.

As a matter of fact I was almost give up and I thought I might have walked too far. Hence, I don't know why I didn't stop. I kept going to ceremonies because I feel like I miss it. Every time I read the cards I feel the beauty of this belief. Fear has blocked me to feel the true feeling of this belief and my mind fought for the words that I couldn't accept. I was anxious, sad and felt nervous. I thought, I will never going to feel this belief.

There is also another fear that I have. I am afraid that my feeling towards my favorite person, which was the first reason why I started to learn this belief, is blocking me from being able to feel the belief. I am afraid that I lost all my feelings towards this belief if things are not going well between us. I do not want that is to happen. Another fear that I have is that I am currently have a religion and I wonder if that will block me to feel this belief. So, I have to overcome these doubts and I have to find answers within myself.

I read some publications, cards. books, anything I can find on this belief to understand more. I listened carefully to things they said in the ceremonies, what the leader said, what other believers said and what was explained by my favorite person. I carefully stored them in my head and from time to time, I tried to remember each of them. The more I learned the more I feel that this belief is beautiful, that is perhaps more people should have learned it too.

In most of times, when I feel uncomfortable, I prefer to be alone and process things based on what I see around me, what people do, what people say and I also recall my thoughts that I have stored carefully. I like quietness and peace when I do it.

Today, 7 February 2018, I finally grasped two most important aspects of this belief, at least for me. I finally decided that I want to practice this belief because I think it will be useful for me. This is really important because I do not do it anymore because of someone else but I do it for myself. I also have decided to practice this belief  until I feel the true happiness and when I do, I will help others to understand it as well. At this moment I should have said that this belief is not a burden yet it is the way to eliminate your burden. That this belief is something which give you strength and excitements to follow your dreams. I would say that it is the way to upgrade yourself by equipping yourself spiritually.

The other important aspect that I decided today, referring to what my favorite person said the first time he explained to me about this belief. He said and I quote, "There are christian people who follow this belief and they said that this belief have helped them understand christianity". With this reference and all the references that I read, I think this belief will also will deepen my understanding on my own religion. Religion or belief are just labels that people made, but people should feel what can equip them in life and of course in after life. Based on these, it is really important for me to try to practice this belief in order to be a living proof of the truth of this belief.

Based on these two decisions, I surrender. I accepted all the questions and I embrace them now and will also embrace them then. I felt relief right now and ready to move on in my life. Wherever the next crossroads bring me to.

Trust and religion

I do not trust people easily. I know that. Especially if I do not completely understand the person. I am very stubborn and the biggest challenge i my life is to fight against myself. 

Today was the last ceremony in winter training and perhaps I should be happy because I completed a few sessions. But my head is full of I can not control. I have headache and I feel feverish. 

Believing is also about trust. That you trust your foundation in life. That you trust you believe in something good for you. That you trust that you will be happy. But I dont understand and so it is so hard for me to trust. I have so many questions. It makes me feel dizzy. I want to understand what I chant but I dont understand. Is it so much to ask for understanding? I want to learn to understand but I need to be independent. So I know that I trust this religion because who I am not because anyone else.

With or without love

I always cherish friendships. I tried my best to keep them. My favorite person was and is still a good friend for me. I do not want this to change and I am afraid that this relationship will change what was good between us. I like to laugh with him. I like to tell jokes and to play with him.

Now that he is my favorite person, it is really hard if he makes me sad. Because as a friend, he never makes me sad. I always want to laugh with him. I want to have fun and to be free with him.

I want to be friends with you forever, with or without love.

Senpai of life

When I first came to Japan, I was introduced to a hierarchical system in the organization based on age, level of education and length of time in the organization. It is believed that the senior-junior relationship should be based on respect and acceptance. Senpai (senior) supposed to be helping kohai (junior) and kohai should be supporting senpai. At least that is what I understand so far.

Hence in life, I found out that age does not necessarily makes someone to be senpai. Lately, I learned a lot from my favorite person. Especially about his personality. I must say that his personality is beautiful and peaceful. It calms my mind. I want to stay in his state of mind because it makes me feel in peace. It is positive and bright. I want to learn more to get this peace in mind. That is why tomorrow I will go to the ceremony to understand more.

The more I think about my life, the more I want to fix it. I want to be a better person with you. Yoroshiku onegaeshimasu, Senpai.

Fear

As time for my defense is approaching, everyday I tried harder to calm myself and focus on my work. The fear that I have is because I want to experience a decent closure to what I have been studying in the past four years. I am not afraid of the result, I am just afraid that I disappoint myself again.

I understand, fear is something necessary so that we have to be prepared, but it is also something discouraging. At this moment, I worry a lot about my life and I doubt every decision that I take. Even though it is something that makes me happy.

I then look back to what I have been through, decision that I took and how I overcame the difficulties. There are some similarities throughout my life, that I have to work hard to get what I want. If I work hard enough, I usually get what I want.

These days I will do my best to get what I want.

I ❤️ KY

I feel like amazing things keep happening in the start of 2018. I do not know how to express my gratefulness and how touched I am to be treated in such a special way.

Roses and champagne are the most romantic gifts but if they are not from him, they mean nothing to me.

 It was all started on friday night that I asked him to hear my story about what i discussed with sayama sensei. We went to his home and had an otsukare drinks: tanduay rum, very very nice nihon-shu and of course beer. It was really fun to play truth and dare that night. He is really fun to be with.

We finally woke up very late and had late brunch (breakfast-lunch). The highlight of the brunch is tuna mentaiko which was so amazingly fit with sunny side up egg and beer. We then started to prepare the home party for my birthday but the cuddle and kisses delayed the start to late afternoon. We went to take what he ordered for my birthday which i had no clue what. I was completely amazed how he could manage such things. We went to winter delicious hokkaido exhibition. We bought a lot of seafood and drank four types of beers. I was a bit drunk. After doing groceries for our home party we headed home.

When preparing our dinner, I realized that he can cook very well and they were so delicious. He cooked Ahijo and shitake mayo. I only prepared maguro carpaccio. We finally finished about 10 or 11 pm and then started our party. It was really a warm party full of love which I could not imagine I would ever experienced. It was the kind of party that i dreamt of for so long. 

At that night he gave me white roses and champagne... I did not know how can I process all these at once but, the happiness was like sunlight - warm and overwhelming. He planted a sun in my heart which protect me from sadness and cold. Nothing can describe how i felt. It was just perfect. It was just right.

We played black jack afterwards and slept after another bottle of nihonshu and started the morning with a lot of hesitation to get out of futon. Then we prepared another brunch after we dropped laundry at coin laundry. He prepared a birthday cake for me, from a very famous cakery and it is an ichigo cake. I do not know how to thank him for treating me so special. The first time in these years, i felt being loved sooo much.

Maybe I will never be able to return all the best feelings that he gave to me in my birthday, but i am hoping that i can be a person who can also give him reason smile everyday and comfort in difficult times. It was a perfect birthday, maybe not all people can experience. For me it was the best birthday ever in my life. 

I wish he knows how i feel about him, although my feeling is vulnerable but i try my best to take care of it as much as i can. I wish this feeling stays the same in me forever. I will always have the sunlight in my heart. I❤️KY.

Sayama-sensei

I wish to dedicate today's blog on a person who has been a flashlight through storms of my life - Sayama-sensei

Four years ago, when I came to Japan, I already heard his name. When a close friend of mine, Seki hime, did an internship in ICHARM, she brought a very positive image of a person that she called "Sayama-sensei". I was not quite convinced about this since I have not met him in person.

I first met him when my parents visited Japan and I brought them to Uji Campus. My first impression was that he is politely friendly and that he has this prudence image. Day by day I still kept that impression and could not manage to convince myself that he is going to be a good professor.

Summer 2015 was the beginning of the storm in my life, when my life goes like a roller coaster. I was in principal threw away all that I have been pursuing to a rubbish bin. My education, my career and the most important thing is that I lost my confidence. I was addicted to excitements and give away all that I have to a person who does not appreciate me at all. I was trying so hard to be loved because he was so exciting. He can make me happy and sad in just a few words. He makes me believe that I can do anything in this world. His radiant is so addictive that I would do anything to keep it there.

At the end illusion will never become real, and that was the lowest point of my life. He left. I was left research that I abandoned for almost one year and data which are incomplete. My mind was empty. Then, in that autumn, there was an email from Sayama-sensei. He suggested that I submit a paper to JSCE Journal. I have no confident, no motivation, nothing. But I also could not bear the thought that I have been missing from the lab for sometimes. I decided to meet him. He said to me, "Based on my experience in submitting papers, I think what you have is enough for a paper." His sentence somehow brought back my confidence, although I was not quite sure.

I must say, even with my lowest confidence, I was very stubborn. Very-very stubborn. I kept saying to him that what I have is bad. He always try to tell me the other way around with very positive thoughts. I sometimes wonder where do all these positive thoughts coming from.

It took one whole year to produce a paper that I submitted to Water International. I must say it was far from perfect but from where I was at that time that was such a great progress. I must say I always pushed Sayama-sensei to the edge but he always sincerely brought me to my track. I do not know how to thank him for this.

After the submission of that paper, I started to be able to crawl by myself and worked on the ideas that was born from the first paper. He is just like a flash light to show me the way little by little. He showed me road in front of me, not a far junction ahead. Just the road in front of me, the right road.

I had another storm in my life when I found out that I have health problem which was scary for me. It was so scary so that I faced all the examination by crying by myself. Hence, in these times I was still able to be busy and to finish my dissertation on time. Sayama-sensei was always be there for me to give me a way how to finish on time. Always always always.

Today, I finally told him that I need to stay in Japan for this health reason. That I need to look for a job here. Again, he showed me the way, confidence, positive attitude towards life. His radiant is so good for me and so positive. I do not know whether I can thank him enough. I do not know if I ever can thank him enough. For always being the flash light in the storms of my life.

One thing I know in life. If I had a chance to return this light, even small I will do it. With all my heart, I thank you.

What is the most important thing for you now?

It was another sleepless night last night, so I am tense and sensitive. I realized this situation and I should have take care of myself better. Hence, this morning was so sweet. I had two hugs and one kiss, nothing to complain about. So, all is fine until lunch time.

I understand there are some people with different temperature that is not so matched with mine. In not so sensitive condition, I can manage to handle my feelings, even though the person's temperature completely unsuitable. I like cool, easy-going or even cold temperature but I dislike people who are too excited and too much fluctuation in the temperature, even to close friends. I think, I am being sensitive, but I think I was exposed to too excited person. I did not enjoy the conversation and environment.

I decided to calm myself down and enjoy being in my own cave. I asked myself again "What is important for you now?" and I know the answer is "A successful defense and a good job". So, I think again that I should be focusing myself on the important things and forget about anything else. I think it is the time to enjoy fighting. I also realized that being too worried is not making me attractive at all. So, I decided to watch soccer and it cured me somehow. It is not so attractive hobby maybe considering that I am a girl, but I guess whoever who loves me should understand my hobby and be considered who I really am. And of course I will too!

Today is also the anniversary day of mom and dad. So I wish them happy and healthy.

i wish

It seems that I have not been able to manage good sleep so I did not sleep at all last night. I realized at 4 am in the morning that I have forgotten some things in my house so I went back home at 5 am to get things. Surprisingly, the train is full of people, even more than in the evening. It was not that cold so I enjoyed my walk while the sun is rising.

I returned to the bus stop on time for the zemi which was held this morning. It is not that I did not have interest but I could not concentrate because of the sleepless night. Things got better during lunch time because I had chance to talk about anything to my favorite person. That really released some steam out of my head.  I think just to talk is enough for me, because I used to talk freely and I don't feel the same now.

Anyway, I finally finalized my CV and sent it to a friend of mine in Australia. I hope he can find something good for me. I also began to work on my presentation again and even though quite slow but I made some progress. I feel exhausted but every time I close my eyes, all thoughts come in and I have to open my eyes again. Actually, I really hope I can talk with him again or at least touch him. But I couldn't. That makes me sad.

Hence, I am trying my best to complete the presentation.

Circle of life

Sayama sensei, our associate professor, once said to one of the students that it is indeed easy to feel discouraged. Hence, I look up upon him for his ability to address things in positive manner. I can learn from him that I should look for the best possible solution, fight for it and accept whatever results that come from it. I feel like, the behavior I could easily mimic from him is to walk life in circles and that when one events in life is like iteration to adjust our values for future events.

Today, woke up with headache and fever, my mind stood still. It began to crawl towards so many negative aspects in my life and playing blaming game. I felt somehow discouraged and small to face the crossroad that I have to pass within the next three months. My mind started to blame how lame I was being tricked and manipulated to waste almost 2 years of my time helping someone to fly his dream. I also started to count that I have not done so many things that I should have done in the past week to prepare myself for the crossroad. Lazy! Lazy! Lazy! were kept repeating in my head.

I forced myself to wake up and took shower to avoid another depression episode. I felt much better afterwards, especially after coffee and strawberry sandwich. I prepared myself for spending nights in the university as was planned before. On my way to the university, I planned what I have to do this week and realized that one of the job openings is due today. It is an World Bank post in Lesotho, Africa. I understand I should not think too much on my job preference but my heart says no. The post may be suitable for me but the location is not. With my health condition right now, Africa may be closed for option. At least for the next two years.

After I arrived at the university and I decided to spice up my CV. I started by putting my most recent ID photo and think of how should I represent myself to get the job that I want. Honestly, the best is to stay in Kyoto, to work in Kyoto University for a year or two. But at this moment, I do not know how. The next best thing is to work in Kyoto, other but institution but also I do not have any vacancy at this moment. The only vacancy I know in Japan is in Tokyo, but it is highly competitive. Again, I sigh. The next safe base is to go back home and look for jobs from home, but it means I have to arrange all things for moving out of my current home, which I love so much.

There are so many things in my mind that keep myself torn apart and then I remember that I have to be positive in addressing life and be prepared no matter I like it or not. This is what it is, circle of life.

life or something like it

The blog of 8 January is being posted on 9 January since I was having fever during the night. 

Today is a rainy day, fortunately it ends up to be a happy rainy day. I and my friend cancelled our plan to go to Arashiyama this morning and I finally had a chat with my mexican best friend about my weight and fat. Today, I weighed 49.55 kg with fat above 30.8%. So, I thought I have to convert some of my fat to muscles to at least reach fat around 25% but my friend said that i might lose my feminine curve if I lost too much fat so he suggested to keep the current weight and composition.

In the afternoon, my favorite person told me that he want to come over for tea, and suddenly fireworks were popping in my heart. He came by bringing two portions of red rice which he claimed to taste like mochi, a salmon paste and a can of tuna mentaiko. We finally ate pizza and fried rice instead.

He told me that he had a drink with a former lab mate yesterday and that he told him everything about our relationship. I told him I also told my best friend in mexico about our relationship. At the age 5 days of our relationship it seems that closest friends know about us. I hope this relationship will last and I kept praying for that.

Hisashiburi Ohsho

Today was a shiny day so I did most of my laundry and I cleaned my house a little bit. I woke up to a line message from a friend who is about to do fishing from Maizuru. It looks soo interesting and I was looking forward to hear for results of today’s fishing.

I have interest in doing hiking recently because I think I need a little bit of sport. So I did a little research in hiking places nearby. I also contacted a japanese friend who belongs to a hiking circle for advice. He is a patent attorney who works in one of semiconductor company in the south kyoto area. He proposed to do hiking in easy spots because I am a beginner in hiking. We then plan to have coffee in the afternoon.

I finally met my friend at 16:30 at Kyoto Station and we headed to Nana’s green tea. It is quite famous cafe for matcha. We then discussed about hiking plan and he suggested to do 5 hours hiking nearby Kobe. The hiking place seems to be a nice place with a lot of interesting views. He also told me to prepare a few hiking clothing by borrowing from friends.

I was thinking to do hiking tomorrow but my friend said tomorrow is going to be rainy so he strongly suggested not to do hiking tomorrow. So we plan to do hiking some other day. 

We finally end up in Ohsho, a chain restaurant serving chinese food in Japan. The restaurant has reasonable price and tastes good. I remember, I used to go with my ex to Ohsho and I felt a bit of mellow.

Although there were a lot of bad memories I had with him but there were a lot of happiness too, including eating in Ohsho. I wish that lost of love does not cause lost of friend. I do not love him anymore but I still want to be friends. I think memories are important to keep as they are.

Siesta Day

I am not a person who can stand coldness. So warmth is something I like most. Sleeping on the shoulder of someone I love is also something I like because I feel warm.

I woke up this morning and my mind flew to last night’s walk. There is something bad about me that I am easily to get lonely. So, I was happy that he wanted to meet me in Shijo. Shijo is one of popular street in Kyoto where restaurants, shops and bars are located. 

So we walked halfway to my house and take taxi because my leg was hurt. He was emphasizing that we should have taken taxi earlier and my mind thinks that maybe I abuse my boots too much. I asked him a lot questions which bothers me a couple days ago. At the end, I felt ashame that I asked too many questions, yet, he answered so patiently and kindly. The dykes of my heart was overtopped with enourmous amount of kindness I received. I wonder how to thank him...

Today is a lazy day where we woke up late and had shower and branch. The usual breakfast for him is sunny side up with a cup of tea. This morning’s version is raspberry and cranberry tea. 

We cooked lunch and eat while talking about everything, including our families. He told me that his grandma likes good university and that his family and relatives are/were studying/-ed in national universities. I looked at him and I felt so blessed of his presence there with me.

After eating ice cream, he proposed to take 10-20 minutes sleep. Siesta is something I like too, although lately it becomes something very luxurious because I was busy graduating. We finally woke up after more than an hour sleeping.

I asked him to fetch oil in the nearest gas station and again he told me about his belief. He told me that some people with other religions follow the ceremonies because they think that his belief is helping them understand their own belief. He also thinks that it will help me understand my belief better. I cant help but overwhelmed by the fact that he appreciates my belief too and that makes me built trust in me that his belief has built his mind to be as peaceful as the way it is now. 

First zemi day

Today is a seminar day for our laboratory and i had to wake up early to catch the 8.45 bus. Just when I was about to cross the street the bus passed in front of me. I had to walk to the closest station and was still late for the seminar.

On my way to the university, my mind flew to days when I was with him. Even though I just met him yesterday, but I can't help that I miss him today. It seems that I long just to touch or look at his brown eyes. But anyway, there are things we should enjoy missing and thus when we get what we missed for, we really appreciate it.

The seminar today was supposed to have 3 presenters, but one of them claimed sick and unable to give presentation (for the second time this semester!!). I just wondered why a person can abuse excuses that much and politeness were being used mercilessly. Anyways, the presentation of the other two presenters were interesting, particularly about the influence of snow melt in the floods. Since I am from tropical country, I just could not imagine how snow melt can cause floods except if avalanche happened.

For me his presentation was interesting since he explained in a good manner about what the theories he used. He also faced hard time due to lacking of data but he is looking for ways to overcome the hardships. I really appreciate it. Distribution of temperature and snow cover as well as precipitation should be built as input for good simulation and I am interested to follow his research.

It is a 'gomi' day today. 'Gomi' day is when the lab members should bring rubbish to a certain place where rubbish is being collected. 'Gomi' day in Uji Campus is on Tuesday and Friday. I think 'gomi' day is very nice because it can melt any awkward situations among lab members because we need to work together to throw away the rubbish.

Maybe it takes time for me to get used to this change that he look at me in different way than before and that he sometimes do extra sweet thing like help me to get drink at lunch time (which one way or another melt me to the floor). I never thought that I can feel this way again, not after I broke up with my ex two years ago. I feel so happy.

Daikichi!!

Happy New Year 2018!

This year I have resolution that I will write a journal for my everyday life.
So far I have missed 3 days but it is better late than not at all.

Today, I woke up with happiness because the night before someone asked me to be his "special person" and I said yes. So today, we went to our first date as a couple to Fushimi Inari Shrine to do "Hatsumode". The Hatsumode consists of two main activities (at least for me), to pray for our wish and to take omikuji. Omikuji is a piece of paper which contain information about what will happen this year.

After our breakfast, he headed to pray for the first buddhist ceremony of the year and told me to go to Fushimi Inari Shrine at 2 p.m. I was afraid that I am late because my bus arrived very delayed. I rushed to the shrine. It is something to do things for someone you like is that even though it is cold, it feels warm inside. We finally headed to the shrine with hundreds other people.

Fushimi Inari Shrine is a very popular tourist spot because of its thousand "tori". "Tori" is a gate dedicated for Gods to pass to the shrine. So, tourists and Japanese who wish to do Hatsumode clogged the street towards the shrine. After washing our hands, we went to pray. In front of the God we put our hands together and made a wish. He asked me "What were you wishing for?" and I told him "Secret!". Actually, I wished that we can be always together. Wishing is something the least I can do, even though meetings and farewells are not for me to decide.

We then heading to the place to take omikuji. First, we shake a container with bamboo stick and read the number written on the stick. We mentioned the number to get our omikuji and paid 200 Yen. Apparently, my omikuji said that I am very lucky this year. Actually, I am hoping a lot that this year would be good for me. Whomever resides in my heart, I will keep pursuing my dream.

Thank you for giving me happiness. I am very happy.