I always cherish friendships. I tried my best to keep them. My favorite person was and is still a good friend for me. I do not want this to change and I am afraid that this relationship will change what was good between us. I like to laugh with him. I like to tell jokes and to play with him.
Now that he is my favorite person, it is really hard if he makes me sad. Because as a friend, he never makes me sad. I always want to laugh with him. I want to have fun and to be free with him.
I want to be friends with you forever, with or without love.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Senpai of life
When I first came to Japan, I was introduced to a hierarchical system in the organization based on age, level of education and length of time in the organization. It is believed that the senior-junior relationship should be based on respect and acceptance. Senpai (senior) supposed to be helping kohai (junior) and kohai should be supporting senpai. At least that is what I understand so far.
Hence in life, I found out that age does not necessarily makes someone to be senpai. Lately, I learned a lot from my favorite person. Especially about his personality. I must say that his personality is beautiful and peaceful. It calms my mind. I want to stay in his state of mind because it makes me feel in peace. It is positive and bright. I want to learn more to get this peace in mind. That is why tomorrow I will go to the ceremony to understand more.
The more I think about my life, the more I want to fix it. I want to be a better person with you. Yoroshiku onegaeshimasu, Senpai.
Hence in life, I found out that age does not necessarily makes someone to be senpai. Lately, I learned a lot from my favorite person. Especially about his personality. I must say that his personality is beautiful and peaceful. It calms my mind. I want to stay in his state of mind because it makes me feel in peace. It is positive and bright. I want to learn more to get this peace in mind. That is why tomorrow I will go to the ceremony to understand more.
The more I think about my life, the more I want to fix it. I want to be a better person with you. Yoroshiku onegaeshimasu, Senpai.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Fear
As time for my defense is approaching, everyday I tried harder to calm myself and focus on my work. The fear that I have is because I want to experience a decent closure to what I have been studying in the past four years. I am not afraid of the result, I am just afraid that I disappoint myself again.
I understand, fear is something necessary so that we have to be prepared, but it is also something discouraging. At this moment, I worry a lot about my life and I doubt every decision that I take. Even though it is something that makes me happy.
I then look back to what I have been through, decision that I took and how I overcame the difficulties. There are some similarities throughout my life, that I have to work hard to get what I want. If I work hard enough, I usually get what I want.
These days I will do my best to get what I want.
I understand, fear is something necessary so that we have to be prepared, but it is also something discouraging. At this moment, I worry a lot about my life and I doubt every decision that I take. Even though it is something that makes me happy.
I then look back to what I have been through, decision that I took and how I overcame the difficulties. There are some similarities throughout my life, that I have to work hard to get what I want. If I work hard enough, I usually get what I want.
These days I will do my best to get what I want.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
I ❤️ KY
I feel like amazing things keep happening in the start of 2018. I do not know how to express my gratefulness and how touched I am to be treated in such a special way.
Roses and champagne are the most romantic gifts but if they are not from him, they mean nothing to me.
It was all started on friday night that I asked him to hear my story about what i discussed with sayama sensei. We went to his home and had an otsukare drinks: tanduay rum, very very nice nihon-shu and of course beer. It was really fun to play truth and dare that night. He is really fun to be with.
We finally woke up very late and had late brunch (breakfast-lunch). The highlight of the brunch is tuna mentaiko which was so amazingly fit with sunny side up egg and beer. We then started to prepare the home party for my birthday but the cuddle and kisses delayed the start to late afternoon. We went to take what he ordered for my birthday which i had no clue what. I was completely amazed how he could manage such things. We went to winter delicious hokkaido exhibition. We bought a lot of seafood and drank four types of beers. I was a bit drunk. After doing groceries for our home party we headed home.
When preparing our dinner, I realized that he can cook very well and they were so delicious. He cooked Ahijo and shitake mayo. I only prepared maguro carpaccio. We finally finished about 10 or 11 pm and then started our party. It was really a warm party full of love which I could not imagine I would ever experienced. It was the kind of party that i dreamt of for so long.
At that night he gave me white roses and champagne... I did not know how can I process all these at once but, the happiness was like sunlight - warm and overwhelming. He planted a sun in my heart which protect me from sadness and cold. Nothing can describe how i felt. It was just perfect. It was just right.
We played black jack afterwards and slept after another bottle of nihonshu and started the morning with a lot of hesitation to get out of futon. Then we prepared another brunch after we dropped laundry at coin laundry. He prepared a birthday cake for me, from a very famous cakery and it is an ichigo cake. I do not know how to thank him for treating me so special. The first time in these years, i felt being loved sooo much.
Maybe I will never be able to return all the best feelings that he gave to me in my birthday, but i am hoping that i can be a person who can also give him reason smile everyday and comfort in difficult times. It was a perfect birthday, maybe not all people can experience. For me it was the best birthday ever in my life.
I wish he knows how i feel about him, although my feeling is vulnerable but i try my best to take care of it as much as i can. I wish this feeling stays the same in me forever. I will always have the sunlight in my heart. I❤️KY.
Friday, January 12, 2018
Sayama-sensei
I wish to dedicate today's blog on a person who has been a flashlight through storms of my life - Sayama-sensei
Four years ago, when I came to Japan, I already heard his name. When a close friend of mine, Seki hime, did an internship in ICHARM, she brought a very positive image of a person that she called "Sayama-sensei". I was not quite convinced about this since I have not met him in person.
I first met him when my parents visited Japan and I brought them to Uji Campus. My first impression was that he is politely friendly and that he has this prudence image. Day by day I still kept that impression and could not manage to convince myself that he is going to be a good professor.
Summer 2015 was the beginning of the storm in my life, when my life goes like a roller coaster. I was in principal threw away all that I have been pursuing to a rubbish bin. My education, my career and the most important thing is that I lost my confidence. I was addicted to excitements and give away all that I have to a person who does not appreciate me at all. I was trying so hard to be loved because he was so exciting. He can make me happy and sad in just a few words. He makes me believe that I can do anything in this world. His radiant is so addictive that I would do anything to keep it there.
At the end illusion will never become real, and that was the lowest point of my life. He left. I was left research that I abandoned for almost one year and data which are incomplete. My mind was empty. Then, in that autumn, there was an email from Sayama-sensei. He suggested that I submit a paper to JSCE Journal. I have no confident, no motivation, nothing. But I also could not bear the thought that I have been missing from the lab for sometimes. I decided to meet him. He said to me, "Based on my experience in submitting papers, I think what you have is enough for a paper." His sentence somehow brought back my confidence, although I was not quite sure.
I must say, even with my lowest confidence, I was very stubborn. Very-very stubborn. I kept saying to him that what I have is bad. He always try to tell me the other way around with very positive thoughts. I sometimes wonder where do all these positive thoughts coming from.
It took one whole year to produce a paper that I submitted to Water International. I must say it was far from perfect but from where I was at that time that was such a great progress. I must say I always pushed Sayama-sensei to the edge but he always sincerely brought me to my track. I do not know how to thank him for this.
After the submission of that paper, I started to be able to crawl by myself and worked on the ideas that was born from the first paper. He is just like a flash light to show me the way little by little. He showed me road in front of me, not a far junction ahead. Just the road in front of me, the right road.
I had another storm in my life when I found out that I have health problem which was scary for me. It was so scary so that I faced all the examination by crying by myself. Hence, in these times I was still able to be busy and to finish my dissertation on time. Sayama-sensei was always be there for me to give me a way how to finish on time. Always always always.
Today, I finally told him that I need to stay in Japan for this health reason. That I need to look for a job here. Again, he showed me the way, confidence, positive attitude towards life. His radiant is so good for me and so positive. I do not know whether I can thank him enough. I do not know if I ever can thank him enough. For always being the flash light in the storms of my life.
One thing I know in life. If I had a chance to return this light, even small I will do it. With all my heart, I thank you.
Four years ago, when I came to Japan, I already heard his name. When a close friend of mine, Seki hime, did an internship in ICHARM, she brought a very positive image of a person that she called "Sayama-sensei". I was not quite convinced about this since I have not met him in person.
I first met him when my parents visited Japan and I brought them to Uji Campus. My first impression was that he is politely friendly and that he has this prudence image. Day by day I still kept that impression and could not manage to convince myself that he is going to be a good professor.
Summer 2015 was the beginning of the storm in my life, when my life goes like a roller coaster. I was in principal threw away all that I have been pursuing to a rubbish bin. My education, my career and the most important thing is that I lost my confidence. I was addicted to excitements and give away all that I have to a person who does not appreciate me at all. I was trying so hard to be loved because he was so exciting. He can make me happy and sad in just a few words. He makes me believe that I can do anything in this world. His radiant is so addictive that I would do anything to keep it there.
At the end illusion will never become real, and that was the lowest point of my life. He left. I was left research that I abandoned for almost one year and data which are incomplete. My mind was empty. Then, in that autumn, there was an email from Sayama-sensei. He suggested that I submit a paper to JSCE Journal. I have no confident, no motivation, nothing. But I also could not bear the thought that I have been missing from the lab for sometimes. I decided to meet him. He said to me, "Based on my experience in submitting papers, I think what you have is enough for a paper." His sentence somehow brought back my confidence, although I was not quite sure.
I must say, even with my lowest confidence, I was very stubborn. Very-very stubborn. I kept saying to him that what I have is bad. He always try to tell me the other way around with very positive thoughts. I sometimes wonder where do all these positive thoughts coming from.
It took one whole year to produce a paper that I submitted to Water International. I must say it was far from perfect but from where I was at that time that was such a great progress. I must say I always pushed Sayama-sensei to the edge but he always sincerely brought me to my track. I do not know how to thank him for this.
After the submission of that paper, I started to be able to crawl by myself and worked on the ideas that was born from the first paper. He is just like a flash light to show me the way little by little. He showed me road in front of me, not a far junction ahead. Just the road in front of me, the right road.
I had another storm in my life when I found out that I have health problem which was scary for me. It was so scary so that I faced all the examination by crying by myself. Hence, in these times I was still able to be busy and to finish my dissertation on time. Sayama-sensei was always be there for me to give me a way how to finish on time. Always always always.
Today, I finally told him that I need to stay in Japan for this health reason. That I need to look for a job here. Again, he showed me the way, confidence, positive attitude towards life. His radiant is so good for me and so positive. I do not know whether I can thank him enough. I do not know if I ever can thank him enough. For always being the flash light in the storms of my life.
One thing I know in life. If I had a chance to return this light, even small I will do it. With all my heart, I thank you.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
What is the most important thing for you now?
It was another sleepless night last night, so I am tense and sensitive. I realized this situation and I should have take care of myself better. Hence, this morning was so sweet. I had two hugs and one kiss, nothing to complain about. So, all is fine until lunch time.
I understand there are some people with different temperature that is not so matched with mine. In not so sensitive condition, I can manage to handle my feelings, even though the person's temperature completely unsuitable. I like cool, easy-going or even cold temperature but I dislike people who are too excited and too much fluctuation in the temperature, even to close friends. I think, I am being sensitive, but I think I was exposed to too excited person. I did not enjoy the conversation and environment.
I decided to calm myself down and enjoy being in my own cave. I asked myself again "What is important for you now?" and I know the answer is "A successful defense and a good job". So, I think again that I should be focusing myself on the important things and forget about anything else. I think it is the time to enjoy fighting. I also realized that being too worried is not making me attractive at all. So, I decided to watch soccer and it cured me somehow. It is not so attractive hobby maybe considering that I am a girl, but I guess whoever who loves me should understand my hobby and be considered who I really am. And of course I will too!
Today is also the anniversary day of mom and dad. So I wish them happy and healthy.
I understand there are some people with different temperature that is not so matched with mine. In not so sensitive condition, I can manage to handle my feelings, even though the person's temperature completely unsuitable. I like cool, easy-going or even cold temperature but I dislike people who are too excited and too much fluctuation in the temperature, even to close friends. I think, I am being sensitive, but I think I was exposed to too excited person. I did not enjoy the conversation and environment.
I decided to calm myself down and enjoy being in my own cave. I asked myself again "What is important for you now?" and I know the answer is "A successful defense and a good job". So, I think again that I should be focusing myself on the important things and forget about anything else. I think it is the time to enjoy fighting. I also realized that being too worried is not making me attractive at all. So, I decided to watch soccer and it cured me somehow. It is not so attractive hobby maybe considering that I am a girl, but I guess whoever who loves me should understand my hobby and be considered who I really am. And of course I will too!
Today is also the anniversary day of mom and dad. So I wish them happy and healthy.
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
i wish
It seems that I have not been able to manage good sleep so I did not sleep at all last night. I realized at 4 am in the morning that I have forgotten some things in my house so I went back home at 5 am to get things. Surprisingly, the train is full of people, even more than in the evening. It was not that cold so I enjoyed my walk while the sun is rising.
I returned to the bus stop on time for the zemi which was held this morning. It is not that I did not have interest but I could not concentrate because of the sleepless night. Things got better during lunch time because I had chance to talk about anything to my favorite person. That really released some steam out of my head. I think just to talk is enough for me, because I used to talk freely and I don't feel the same now.
Anyway, I finally finalized my CV and sent it to a friend of mine in Australia. I hope he can find something good for me. I also began to work on my presentation again and even though quite slow but I made some progress. I feel exhausted but every time I close my eyes, all thoughts come in and I have to open my eyes again. Actually, I really hope I can talk with him again or at least touch him. But I couldn't. That makes me sad.
Hence, I am trying my best to complete the presentation.
I returned to the bus stop on time for the zemi which was held this morning. It is not that I did not have interest but I could not concentrate because of the sleepless night. Things got better during lunch time because I had chance to talk about anything to my favorite person. That really released some steam out of my head. I think just to talk is enough for me, because I used to talk freely and I don't feel the same now.
Anyway, I finally finalized my CV and sent it to a friend of mine in Australia. I hope he can find something good for me. I also began to work on my presentation again and even though quite slow but I made some progress. I feel exhausted but every time I close my eyes, all thoughts come in and I have to open my eyes again. Actually, I really hope I can talk with him again or at least touch him. But I couldn't. That makes me sad.
Hence, I am trying my best to complete the presentation.
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